The Brain Swirl – it is strong today November 10, 2009

I feel bad because I haven’t been commenting on many blogs lately. I used to be the QUEEN of commenting – that’s why I started my own blog because I had so much to say!  Now it seems I barely have time to read blogs, let alone leave witty, insightful comments, so please forgive me if I haven’t left any words of wisdom. I’ve still been reading when I can, and maybe soon I can get back to my regularly scheduled commenting.

I’ve noticed something about myself lately in regards to some blogs. The bloggers who really (seem) to have it all together, ie. they are eating super healthy foods and working out regularly…well…they make me feel bad about myself (Relax Debby, I’m NOT talking about YOU!    ) Kind of like how I used to feel when I would read fashion mags way back in the day, except that instead of feeling inadequate about the size of my thighs, now I feel inadequate about the fact that I’m not eating raw, organic, non-processed foods.  I still eat crap y’all, way more than I like to admit (she says as she stuffs the funsize BabyRuth wrapper under the sofa cushion), and I haven’t worked out regularly in WEEKS.  I thought that if I read those kinds of blogs, that somehow magically it would rub off on me and all of a sudden I would be the type of mom who serves eggplant and spinach to eager veggie-eating kids. Um, yeah, that ain’t gonna happen, at least not for awhile anyway. I’ve decided that I’m just not there yet – I’m not ready to be there yet, and that’s okay.  I’m not that far along on my journey yet, so I think I need to just relax and deal with where I am right now. I like being in the trenches with my own people – the flawed, the ever-struggling, the “we will triumph…someday!” kind of folks. Where I am right now is fine, and I’ll continue to move forward, but without the guilt.

Wanna hear a weird story? Good.  A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from a guy I dated TWENTY YEARS AGO.  It was completely out of the blue and at first it was just a nice conversation, but then he mentions that he felt really bad that we ended things on a sour note and he wanted to make amends. It has been bothering him ALL THIS TIME!  FYI, I broke up with him and I don’t think I was very nice about it, so why he felt he needed to make amends is beyond me. And also, the sad thing is that this guy has barely been a blip on my radar for the last 20 years – I rarely think of him.  Anyway, he went on and on about how awful it was when I left the small junior college we both attended, and how it took him a long time to get over me, etc etc.  And then he kept saying gushing “Oh Jill it’s so good to talk to you” and “it’s so good to hear your voice” and “I’m so glad I’m talking to you right now”, and it was the tone of his voice that caught me off guard – it wasn’t a friendly, light hearted tone, no, it was full of emotion and that’s when I started getting really uncomfortable with the whole conversation.  Apparently, he has been looking for me for awhile, and he had his MOM track me down on the internet (believe me, it wasn’t hard to do – it’s scary how much info is out there).  He is married and his wife knows about me, but I don’t think she was very happy about him contacting me. I don’t know if he just needed to get some things off his chest or what, but the whole thing has me a little freaked out. Maybe I’m making this out to be more than it really is, but what really has me freaked is that he showed up on FaceBook last week, and he sent me a Friend Request. Of course I ignored it, but then two days later, ANOTHER Friend Request shows up from him!  I have a feeling he is going to try and contact me again. I hope he doesn’t, but I can’t ignore this feeling.  I’ll let you know if anything else happens, because I feel like I need to have this documented somewhere and I guess this is as good a place as any.  Fun, huh?!

Finger Update:  I went back to the Orthopod(is that what they are really called, or is that just some doctor slang?)yesterday for a follow up and now it turns out that I need therapy (shut up) for my finger.  They are going to do somethings to it to desensitize the tip since it is still very sensitive.  He also mentioned that I might eventually need to have some of the bone shaved off because there is a tad bit of protrusion where the bone is pushing the flesh up, but that wouldn’t be for awhile, if we even do it at all. I hoped the Finger Saga would be over yesterday, but I guess it will continue for a little while longer. 

In other news, I’m a big baby who has to sleep with the light on when Shawn isn’t home.  He is away on a hunting trip (attn stalkers: I have a gun and I know how to use it) and every creak and pop of the house has me on high alert. I fixed this problem by leaving a light on in the kitchen which shines into the hallway so if any intruders come into the house I can see them before they see me. That way they won’t know what hit them when I put a cap in their ass.  Cuz I’m crazy like that (when I’m not busy being a big baby). 

Okay, well I guess that’s enough swirl for today.  Have a good Tuesday! 

 

 

These fad diets are getting out of hand November 4, 2009

Wanna lose weight fast?  Then listen up, TV viewers! You’ve heard of the Body Bugg right? Well get ready for the Stomach Bug! The Stomach Bug doesn’t count your calories or keep track of what you have burned, no, the Stomach Bug is different! The Stomach Bug is a nasty virus that settles into your digestive system and immediately eliminates any food or liquid that dares to enter your stomach! It’s completely natural and you don’t have to do any formal exercise at all!  It’s easy – hardly any thought at all goes into having the Stomach Bug, so you can lose weight without any effort at all! And it’s inexpensive – only one easy payment of $6.48 for a 12 pack of toilet paper is all you need!  Need proof?  Here is a testimonial from an actual user:

Jill says:  Yes, I lost 4 pounds in one day with The Stomach Bug, and the only side effects were the extremely painful cramping, the blinding headache, and the inability to eat anything for 12 hours even though I was weak and starving from lack of nutrition!!  Thanks Stomach Bug!!

 

So if you’re looking for a quick fix and don’t mind being doubled over in pain for 24 hours, then the Stomach Bug may be just what you’re looking for! Call now and we’ll send you a glass that Jill drank out of so that you too can experience the nastiest of all viruses!!  Call Now!!

 

*****For the naive and gullible, I AM KIDDING WITH THIS!!! I do not recommend this as a way to lose weight!!! It’s disgusting and painful and just not fun at all, so please people, stay healthy and lose weight the right way: move your @ss away from the fridge and go take a walk!!*****

Secret Agent Sassy Pear and the Stratys3 Mission November 1, 2009

It was a dark and stormy night. Super Agent Sassy Pear had received the package earlier that day, but had to wait until her unsuspecting husband had left the house before she could begin her latest secret mission. Agent SP stealthily made her way to the Secret Lair (which was cleverly disguised as an ordinary bathroom) where she could open the box in private. The box was plainly wrapped, but the contents inside were anything but ordinary, for this box contained the new Vaseline Sheer Infusion with Stratys3 lotions.

(cue suspicious ominous music) DUN DUN DUN!

Secret Agent SP read the note from Secret Agent Katie who worked for the very prestigious RocketXL Agency (cleverly disguised as a PR firm) and finally understood the mission at hand: test the lotions and give her opinion – the good, the bad, and the ugly truth – she was to hold nothing back.  This would be difficult for Agent SP, for she truly wanted to love these lotions, all of them, but with such a complex name as Stratys 3, she wasn’t sure what to make of it. She flipped the lid open on the first scent: Vitamin Burst, and it was as she expected – a burst of citrus, but not overpowering, which was a good thing because she didn’t want to smell like her furniture cleaner. Next up was the Botanical Blend, the familiar waft of flowers filled her nose. Nice, but Agent SP isn’t really a flower girl, not since she gave up the life of a hippie chick all those years ago. Finally was the Mineral Renewal. Hmmm, “What does a mineral smell like?” she thought, as she lifted the bottle to her perky upturned nose.  “Ahhh, it smells like heaven!” A little tropical, she recognized the hint of plumeria and was instantly transported back to the mission in Hawaii where she had a secret tryst with Kai, the secret agent stationed there. She remembered his soft silky hands and the way he lei’d her that evening… The rest of this sentence has been edited for content and time and complete irrelevance to the product review at hand.

 *Ahem, is it a little warm in here? Sorry!*

Anyway, Secret Agent Sassy Pear then put the Stratys 3 Sheer Infusion lotion to the real test: The Skin Test.  She applied the lotion to her dry, thirsty skin. It went on smooth and absorbed quickly, and then she went to bed – if the lotion could pass the all night sheet and blanket test, she would be sold. Agent SP awoke the next morning and ran her hand across her arm – it still felt silky smooth! She wore the lotion every day for the next week, trying the different scents but always coming back to the Mineral Renewal because of  the warm thoughts of Kai  the wonderful scent. The three varieties seemed to work the same, but there was one thing that troubled Agent SP. She really didn’t want to say anything negative about the lotion of which she had become rather fond, but more than anything she wanted to be honest, so she forced herself to face the truth. The only drawback she could find was that the Stratys 3 seemed to work a little too well.  While her skin felt wonderfully moisturized, whenever she put on her Secret Agent Clothes her skin felt a little too dewey. Not sticky or greasy, just …damp, which she guessed might be a good thing for someone with very very dry skin, but for her was a little much.  She decided she would probably really like this in summer when shorts and tanks are in season, and she might even need it during the cold hard winter when her skin begins to resemble that of Super Agent Allie Gator.

Agent SP decided that she liked the lotions for occasional use, like after shaving and even after the elusive “bath after the kids have gone to bed” which doesn’t happen nearly as often as she would like. She also decided that she would make known the secrets of Stratys3 to all the Other Secret Agents who might be reading this Super Secret Message: WARNING! This message will self-destruct as soon as you have finished reading it!! (Well not really, but it sounds good) Secret Agent SP hoped that her collegues had their  Little Orphan Annie Secret Agent Decoder Rings out so they could decode this not-so-secret message:

New Vaseline® Sheer Infusion™ with Stratys-3™ body lotion is a breakthrough in moisturizing technology that delivers superior moisture across all skin’s layers of skin.

Stratys-3™, the most powerful, patented moisturizing complex on the market, combines three ingredients that infuse and suspend moisture across the skin’s top, core and deep down layers. This results in unprecedented hydration leading to better, more healthy moisturized skin and an unmatched silky skin feel.  Clinical studies show that more hydration leads to improved skin softness, smoothness and quicker elimination of dry skin.

More information on this new Super Agent of Moisturizers can be found at www.vaselinesheerinfusion.com. All the pertinent info plus  cool videos, coupons and a spa getaway contest are located there.

Super Agent Sassy Pear was satisfied that she had completed her mission successfully – and she wondered what her next mission would entail. She hoped it would involve chocolate and a certain Hawaiin Secret Agent, but only time would tell…

It’s such a mental thing isn’t it? October 28, 2009

I have worked out exactly twice in the last 25 days, and both days I had to really talk myself into it.  Granted the first 10 days I was not in a good place mentally (or physically – who knew that one finger injury would derail my whole body?) for working out, but these last two weeks have been about being out of the habit. Trying to get back into the mindset and habit of working out is HARD (not impossible, just hard). This whole time it’s been a matter of trying to figure out what it’s going to take to get me back to a place where working out is on my radar as a I go through my day and NOT a matter of beating myself up because I haven’t worked out for most of this month.  I sort of instinctively know that I’ll get back into it; I’m just trying to get my head in the right place about it again. I’m pretty much over the days of shaming myself or being frustrated with myself for things like this – having that roadblock out of the way allows me to see that there are different roads I can take, I just have to decide which one is going to move me forward, and then I actually have to MOVE FORWARD. 

 

Before the GFS*, I was journaling my food and doing cardio 4 days per week and strength training 3 days per week – I was on a roll and in the groove!  All of that came to a screeching halt, and I have not done any of that in the last 3 weeks, except this morning I thought “what small thing can I do to move myself toward getting those healthy thoughts in my head again?” and I decided that journaling my food is the easiest thing I can do right now. So I did. Those thoughts are slowly starting to creep back in, and I like it -makes me feel better. Maybe tomorrow I can get in a good sweaty workout (it might happen tonight, but I’m on chauffeur duty for the kiddos, so we’ll see) and get it started again.  

 

I was catching up on my Google Reader stuff and I read a post from Vickie in which she says:

 

 ”I have heard people say that it is easier to stop drinking – because when you stop – you don’t ever HAVE to have another drink. But eating is something that you have to do (and therefore harder – or hopeless as some people like to think). The difference for me is thinking of FOOD and NON-FOOD. Most people do not binge on food. Most people binge on NON-food. And it is possible to live a life of never eating NON-food again. Just like not drinking alcohol again.

 

Dingdingding! That was the sound that went off in my head when I read that. That’s not to say that I won’t ever NOT eat non-food, but for some reason it makes this whole eating-better/losing-weight thing a little more clear for me. Yes, I can realistically go my whole life without ever eating McDonald’s again and be just fine (probably better than just fine, actually!), so it IS possible. I like that.

 

That’s all the brainswirl I’ve got for today, I’ll check back in a couple of days – because it seems like there is always something swirling in my brain! 

 

 

*GFS = the Great Finger Smashing of 2009 (smashing sounds so harmless, but I think it sounds better than The Great Finger Injury where I Blew Out the Guts of My Finger Tip)

Denim is the new spandex October 23, 2009

Why I worked out in my regular clothes last night:

Me: I really need to work out instead of wasting time of Facebook.

Me: So go work out then.

Me: I don’t feel like changing my clothes.

Me: So don’t change. Just go work out.

Me: Wha?? Work out in my regular clothes? Isn’t there a law against that or something?

Me: You’re getting on the elliptical, not doing a triathalon, and besides that you can’t work out very strenuously anyway because of the throbbage in your finger.

Me: Yeah, but I’m in jeans and a long sleeve shirt – I can’t work out in that! Nobody works out in jeans – that’s just stupid!

Me: Why?

Me: Well, because…um…because I said so!

Me: That only works on your kids – try again.

Me: It just seems so…so wrong! Shouldn’t a cute and perfectly put-together outfit be a prerequisite to a great workout?

Me: Uh, yeah – think about who you’re talking to here – we don’t have any perfectly put-together outfits.

Me: Oh yeah, I forgot. But really? Working out in jeans? It’s just so…so… ODD!

Me: You and I both know that if you don’t work out RIGHT NOW, it ain’t gonna happen for the rest of the night, so just suck it up and go workout RIGHT NOW! GO!! Jeans and all!

Me: Okay fine! But if I chafe it’s all your fault!

And that is why I did 25 minutes on my elliptical in my jeans and long sleeve shirt and tennis shoes (with no chafing). So next time you want to use the excuse of NOT being dressed for a workout – sorry, I just killed that excuse for you. Deal with it.

Oh, and because DM and Mizfit both suggested keeping my finger above my heart when I work out, I did. At first I held my hand above my head like an over-eager 2nd grader who is sure she knows the answer (Oh! Pick me Teacher!!!! I know! I know!), then my arm got tired and I held my hand up as if I was being sworn in to my work out (I, Jill, do solemnly swear to half-heartedly enjoy this workout), and then I decided to lean my hand against the wall, but that just made me look like a lazy worker-outer, so then I ended up with my hand ON TOP of my head because my arm suddenly weighed a thousand pounds and I just could not hold it up on my own anymore. The throbbage was minimal, but I gotta say, that was one of the weirdest workouts I have ever, um…worked out.

But hey, it’s Friday so it’s all good!

Have a great weekend!

I’d like to take a moment of silence October 21, 2009

to mark the passing of my youth.

clipartheaven.com 

 

RIP Full and Luscious Hair. I found my first gray hair last night. And then I found another one. I noticed that my hair was dryer than normal and my scalp has been a little bit itchy lately, but I never expected to see gray! Okay, so should I shell out the bucks and have Tanya (my hair stylist) color it, or should I just rely on Miss Clairol? Hear me now and believe me later, but I’ve never colored my hair, so these hair-coloring waters are new territory for me (can water be considered territory?).

And speaking of my dying youth, I have officially become an old curmudgeon (I love that word) because I refuse to wear uncomfortable shoes. Back in the day, I didn’t care if the shoes were lined with barbed wire, if they were cute, I would wear them. Now however, comfort comes first. I went shopping the other day and I tried on many, many pairs of shoes, but they were all so uncomfortable that I had to turn them down. These were not heels, people! No, these were cute little flats, and cute little sporty tennis shoes, and cute little boots that just didn’t cut it for me! I finally settled on a pair of Dr. Scholl’s black wedge loafer-type shoes – very cute AND very comfortable. But I never thought I’d live to see the day when comfort wins out over cuteness. *sigh*

Oh! And another sign of my decaying youth: I cannot eat McDonald’s anymore. I had to take the kiddos to the orthodontist yesterday (here’s a bit of great news: I’m going to have two kids in braces at the same time! Life just keeps getting better every dang day!), and by the time we got out of there, we were all starving and had a few more errands to run, so I caved and went through the drive-thru. I had two cheeseburgers and a few fries (have they always been so salty and greasy???) and half of a coke. By the time we finished our errands and got home I was so tired that all I could do was lay down on the couch and do nothing (okay, well I painted my nails, but that was about it). I couldn’t figure out why I was so tired, but then it occurred to me: all that grease and fat and just plain nastiness that is McD’s must not be jiving too well with my system. So, no more Mickey D’s for me. Fare thee well, youth, fare thee well.

Okay, I’m gonna go grab my walker and head over to the bingo hall now. Maybe I’ll win the door prize of the lifetime supply of Polident and Depends (which seriously, might be in my future as well – don’t even get me started on the betrayal of my bladder).  Have a great day, Youngin’s!!

Back in action October 19, 2009

Hey gang!  I’m back and I can type with 9 fingers fairly well now, although I’m still a little slow. Did you miss me?

I didn’t blog much because typing was slow and I didn’t think you all wanted to read this:

Day1:  my finger hurts

Day 2: my finger still hurts

Day 3: my finger doesn’t hurt…oh wait, yeah it does.

Day 4: blah blah blah finger blah blah blah ouch blah blah blah Lortab is great blah blah blah.

Aren’t you glad I spared you? 

 

I’ve learned a lot in the last couple of weeks - where to begin?

Believe it or not, I realize that a lot of blessings have come out of  The Great Finger Smashing of 2009:

1. I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but my fondness for blogging and reading blogs was interfering with my work.  I was spending waaay too much time playing and not enough time getting my work finished. I was falling so far behind, so I asked God to help me break this bad habit, except I didn’t want it to be embarrasing or painful, ie I didn’t want to get a call from Corporate saying that they had found out and I was being fired. I just needed a little help to NOT be distracted by the call of Facebook and Craigslist and Google Reader.  Of course, having my finger smashed nearly to smithereens wasn’t exactly on my radar of possible solutions, but I think maybe God said, “hey let’s use this” and since I’ve been back at work, I have been on the internet for a very small fraction of time. I have a new routine now, and it has helped tremendously. I’m nearly caught up at work and I feel so much more satisfied at the end of the work day.
2. I was due to start my monthly Lady Time the day after the smashing, but I think my uterus decided I had been through enough, so she delayed her arrival by 10 days. I can’t tell you how far off the cliff I would thrown myself if she had arrived on time (because of the antibiotics, I was already dealing with a lovely yeast infection, so I seriously would have gone insane) (sorry for the TMI).
3. I’ve learned that having stitches taken out is WAAAAYYYYY more painful than having them put in.

I got back on the elliptical today after nearly two weeks of no activity whatsoever, and when myhusband warned me that I might want to take it slow because a high heart rate might make my finger hurt, I sort of shrugged him off. Guess what? He was right!  At 137 the throbbing began, I backed off and as long as I keep it at 135 or lower, I’m good. So my workouts will be Workout Lite for awhile until the finger heals, but I figure it’s better than doing nothing at all, and anyway my main goal is just getting back in the saddle, not burning mucho calories right now. 

Not much else to tell – day 10 seemed to be the magic day: the pain stopped and the healing stepped up a bit. The Finger looks a lot better than it did even 4 days ago, so the healing is coming along nicely. I still wear a big puffy bandage on it, but that’s mainly to keep it from being banged against something. 

Hopefully I’ll have other things to talk about besides my finger and I’ll try to keep blogging regularly.  Thanks so much for all the sympathy and well-wishes – I really appreciate all of it! 

If you are squeamish… October 9, 2009

…you might want to skip this post. 

 

Seriously, things are gonna get nasty.

 

Still here? Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you…

 

 

Tuesday as I was leaving my office (side note: I work in an industrial plant and my office is a ways away from the parking lot so we drive our work trucks to the parking lot every day), Coworker remembered that he forgot to unload a bunch of boxes from the back of the truck. Instead of letting him drop me off at the parking lot and then go back, I told him to just swing around and I would help him unload them really quick (big mistake).  We got back to the shop and I realize that these boxes are way too heavy for me to unload, as in I can’t even pick them up AT ALL. (Do you see where this is going yet?) I decide instead to stand there and watch Coworker unload the boxes. Coworker puts three deceptively small boxes on the rail of the back of the work truck (these little boxes of death weigh 48 pounds each and contain one inch thick heavy metal plates). One of the boxes starts to fall and I instinctively reach out to catch it (HUGE mistake). The box falls and my finger gets smashed between the 48 pound box and a vice that is attached to the back of the truck…

 

Here comes the gross part…

 

 

You ready? Take a deep breath…

 

 

Here we go…

 

 

 

The box smashes my finger so hard that my fingertip explodes and the bone gets shattered. Literally, I blew the guts out of my fingertip. 

 

 

I know, I’m sorry! I told you it was gross!  

 

 

So I stand there while my finger bleeds and the nail is hanging halfway off, and at first Coworker just laughs because it’s funny when someone smashes their finger, except he stopped laughing when he took one look at it and saw how bad it really was.  I grabbed a clean towel, wrapped it around my finger and we raced to the Immediate Care Center just a couple of miles down the road.  On the way, I started getting very hot and sweaty (and not ina good way) and I knew that passing out was in my future. I managed to call Shawn and after I convinced him that no, I wasn’t joking, told him to go get the kids and meet me there.   We got to the center right about then, and I got out and wobbled my way in. They got me a wheel chair, because the bullet-size drops of sweat and the pastyness of my skin told them I was going down soon. I never did pass out, but I was thisclose. They took some Xrays, cleaned me up and stitched me together as best as they could. The doctor said it was like putting together a jigsaw puzzle without the corners (yeah, I didn’t really get it either, but let’s just go with it, okay?) and they scheduled an appointment for me to see an Orthopedist so they could check out the bone situation. 

They gave me a scrip for Ibuprofen, Lortab, and Augmentin in addition to an antibiotic cream to put on the area.  For 3 days I was wrapped up in pads, gauze, and a splint that was really hard to get used to. I’ve essentially lost the use of my right hand and have been having to do everything with my left hand. Tonight when you brush your teeth, try it left-handed and you’ll get an idea of what my life has been like the last few days (if you really want to have some fun, try wiping with your left hand after you pee – good times, good times).  I can still type, albeit very slowly and with lots of mistakes. 

Oh, and just to add to the fun, that same night, Mallory gets a nasty stomach virus and I end up sitting with her until 1:30 in the morning holding a trash can for her to vomit in.  *I know I just ended a sentence with a preposition, but give me a break, okay? It’s almost Lortab time and I’m a little cranky.* I didn’t really mind staying up because every time I tried to sleep all I could think about was the actual moment my finger got smashed, so sleep wasn’t coming easy anyway.

Before today, I had only looked at my finger a total of two whole seconds. Just looking at it makes me queasy and sweaty, so I’ve been making Shawn clean and dress the wound for me because I’m a big baby and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I finally gave it a good hard look today and yes, it’s pretty disgusting. The end is black where the skin is dead and eventually the black part will fall off and new skin will grow underneath. I will also lose the fingernail too, and it may be awhile before I get full feeling back.  I saw the Orthopedist today and he said that it will all heal up on its own – they don’t have to do surgery or anything, just have to watch it for infection.  I go back in 4 weeks for a follow up and more Xrays but other than that, they won’t do anything else. 

So this had been pretty much one of the worst weeks of my life. Seriously, it ranks right up there in the top five worst events EVER.  It has taken me almost an hour and a half to type this, so I may not be in touch very much the next few days.  I’ll still be reading, but the commenting may not be so much from me. 

Okay, I’m fairly worn out from typing this so I’m gonna go take a nap.  I hope you all have a great weekend and I’ll be checking in soon. 

The adventures of Girlstache October 5, 2009

She is OWNING that girlstache!

 

So I’ve been reading Bye Bye Pie lately (thanks Juice) and she cracks me up. When I grow up, I want to be as funny as she is. She had a hilarious post a couple of weeks ago about getting her lip waxed – the oriental lip waxer-woman told her she needed it because she is “dark like man”. For the last few months, I have been staring at my upper lip in the mirror wondering if the shadow I saw was indeed, a girlstache. Then when I read June’s post I started wondering if I was dark like man too. After much obsessing, I finally decided to do something about it – I would just get rid of the stache and all would be well with the world again.

I went to the Walmarts and found the Nair for Dark Like Man Upper Lip Cream with Rebalancing Moisturizer. Rebalancing moisturizer? Would this cream make me out of balance (insert mental health joke of your choosing here)? So I brought the cream home and late Saturday night after everyone went to bed – because really, I don’t need the hubs or the kids making comments about the thick white cream on my face – I washed my face and applied the cream of death to my stache area.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOUDA THE BURNING!! MAKE THE BURNING STOP!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS BEAUTIFUL AND HAIRLESS MAKE. IT. STOP!!!!!!

Had I known beforehand that I was applying nuclear sludge to my face, I might not have it applied it so thickly, but the directions said to apply a THICK line of cream, so I did. Did I wipe the sludge from my lip when the burning started? Hell no. I wanted the hair gone and if burning it away is what it took, then so be it. I left the cream on for 6 minutes, then I wiped it away with a damp cloth. The directions also said do not rub, but honestly how do you wipe it away without rubbing? I still haven’t figured that one out yet.

The Nair cream did indeed take away the fine hair from my upper lip as well as six layers of skin and some nerve endings. For the next twenty four hours, I no longer looked like Father Guido Sarducci, instead I looked like The Joker. Great. In addition to the glow of the nuclear fallout, I got one tiny blister that has crusted over just slightly. Nice. I’m all kinds of sexy right now.

I called my best-friend-forever-because-she-knows-too-much-about-me Dinah and she immediately chastised me for not letting a professional handle this. She prefers waxing, but one time in college we tried waxing our legs and let me tell you, it will be a cold day in hell before I let that happen again. That stuff hurts! I may just have to suck it up though and let Tanya, my hair stylist, take over all-things-beauty because I just can’t go through this torture again. I mean really, why does it have to hurt so bad to be a teensy bit beautiful?

So I am done with Nair. Next time I go get my hair cut, I will shyly and quietly ask Tonya to please also wax my upper lip. I just hope my screaming doesn’t alarm the other patrons. And I hope the people in hell have jackets.

It’s okay to be insane on a Friday, right? October 2, 2009

It’s Friday! Yea!

I’m kind of worried about myself because I’m starting to talk to myself and inanimate objects – not so weird, lots of people do that right? Except that I talk to things as if I were blogging about them. Like I’m talking to you now, I just had a conversation with my jacket about its pockets. Yeah, I’m sure there’s a straightjacket in my future somewhere.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

 

Remember Mary Lou? I still use her every day and today I heard those magical words “You have lost 10 Pounds!!!” and the music and cheering were awesome!! I’ve had this scale for almost a year and this is the first time I got to hear her say that. When I got it, I weighed 160 so I figured now I weigh 150 (because 160 – 10 pounds = 150. I know, I’m pretty much a math wizard). Of course I immediately got out the old scale thinking it would read 150 pounds, except that it didn’t. It read 155, which is what I weighed yesterday afternoon on the Nurse Nazi’s scale. So I’m happy and confused and concerned that maybe my math isn’t as good as I thought. I know for sure that I weigh somewhere between 150 and 155 so I guess that will have to be good enough for now!

I just deleted a whole paragraph about how amazing the s-e-x is between my husband and I these days because this really isn’t that kind of blog, but I just want to give a shout out to middle-aged married relations because…WOW!

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Aw crap!! I just realized that I totally missed my 2 year blogiversary!! On September 6, 2007 I posted the first of many ramblings. That was back in the day of my Intuitive Eating experiment, and only the beginning of lots of other experiments. I love how far I have come in that time and I wouldn’t trade this blog for anything. I have learned so much from you guys. Seriously, if I hadn’t entered the blogosphere I would have given up a looooooong time ago and I would probably be 200+ pounds, depressed, and feeling sorry for myself today. So thanks for reading me and commenting and offering advice, and for putting up with my weird sense of humor for 25 months. You guys are awesome.

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Have a great weekend everyone!!